Text by Corina Tan
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In relationships, especially romantic ones, people exhibit various traits which include may include being trusting, dependent, jealous, clingy and so on. According to New York based psychotherapist Tracy Vadakumchery, these traits stem from how we first interact with our primary caregiver. Experiences when we were young sets the foundation for how we approach future relationships. Although usually used to explain attachment styles in romantic relationships, similar traits may also be seen across work, friendships, and even elements such as money, food and self-care.
There are four attachment styles that we develop over the years that will eventually shape and predict how we attach ourselves to others later on. They are:
1. THE SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE
You have a secure attachment style when you are honest and open with others. Being openly able to communicate your feelings, hopes and fears indicate that you are trusting and comfortable being yourself around your loved ones. You rarely experience separation anxiety when your partner is away. This style indicates that your caregivers did a great job at meeting your needs of feeling safe while growing up.
2. ANXIOUS-AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT STYLE
Also referred to as insecure-anxious attachment, people with this style tend to have a co-dependent type of relationship with their partners. They are overly fixated over how much their partner loves them and require constant attention and reassurance. This behaviour emerges from caregivers who were inconsistent in meeting their childhood needs.
3. INSECURE-AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE
People who seem distant or aloof from their partners are actually coping with challenges in their relationship. This behaviour is a result of childhood needs that were neglected, therefore their go-to response in distress is to self-soothe. This is mainly why they seem to need to be alone in order to resolve conflict. They may struggle to let people in as they equate intimacy with losing their independence.
4. DISORGANISED ATTACHMENT STYLE
Emerging from life-altering childhood trauma, this form of attachment style causes a person to have a negative view of others. It directly reflects a negative bond they had with their caregivers and so they become hyper independent. They have difficulty trusting and regulating their emotions. At times they feel unworthy of love and tend to enter dysfunctional relationships.
It is valuable to understand the attachment style that we identify with most as it can help us uncover our issues. This can influence and teach us how to be proactive about anxiety-driven behaviours and work towards healthier relationships. If a pattern emerges in all prior relationships, then it may be a problem that needs addressing. If we can identify our personal needs and learn to fulfil them as adults, we can shift the power these needs have over us and have a better grasp of our emotions. In doing so, we will have healthier attachment styles that are no longer driven by our traumas.
Have you found your relationship attachment?
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