Text by Corina Tan
Advice to forget: THE WOMAN IS ALWAYS RIGHT
It is impossible for any one person, much less a single gender to be completely right all the time. While women are generally more detailed oriented, so they tend to pay attention and remember things. But this doesn’t mean that their assessment and opinions are right every single time. Many situations fall within grey areas where no one person is totally right or wrong. And it depends rather on the point of view it’s coming from.
When discussing or arguing about small things, it’s best to be calm. So that issues can be discussed in a productive manner. A well-thought-out point of view is one that doesn’t just focus on facts but also considers how people feel. The focus should always be on the root cause of conflict. Rather than going off on a tangent about other issues that can make matters worse. Right or wrong, gender has nothing to do with it.
Advice to forget: ARGUING AND SCREAMING ALWAYS ENDS UP IN DIVORCE
According to the Gottman Institute, the average volatile couple has at least five to one positive-to-negative ratio interactions during conflict. This is apparently the marker of a healthy relationship. It isn’t healthy to have relationships where people agree all the time. As it isn’t realistic or bound by honesty. In fact, couples who head for divorce courts have a ratio of 0.8. So, while couples can have intense fights, they balance them with kindness and attentiveness which sets the tone for an entire relationship. This means that just because you argue, does not mean that you don’t belong together.
Advice to forget: PEOPLE AREN’T MIND READERS
Although open communication is an essential tool in any relationship, successful ones also understand needs and feelings without being told. Being emotionally present and observant results in the ability to interpret non-verbal ques which can result in very satisfying outcomes. This means that you shouldn’t expect someone to explicitly state what they want and how they feel all the time. The bottom line is to pay close attention to the other person and be emotionally present so that you can pick up on things that aren’t said and offer support, help and advice.
Advice to forget: OPPOSITE’S ATTRACT
While no two people are exactly alike and having some differences enable people to learn to compromise and see things from another point of view, one person’s strength don’t always compensate for another’s weakness. Being different on smaller issues such as what flavour of ice cream you prefer, or whether you prefer being indoors or taking a hike, some fundamental core issues like money management or discipling children can’t be too different. If two people have completely different desires, interests and beliefs, opposite will eventually distract.
Advice to forget: TALK THINGS OUT UNTIL YOU AGREE
Not to be a killjoy but sometimes even when you try to get your points across and you understand another person perfectly, you still disagree. Conflicts are part of life, and you will find this out at a really young age when you have them with your siblings, parents and friends. The key to getting along is not to agree on everything, but rather to avoid gridlock conflict. You may not always find the perfect compromise in every situation but creating an open dialogue and remaining respectful means you can discuss without hurting feelings.
Many times, at the bottom of issues are core- values that may take you by surprise. Sometimes money issues aren’t about having cash, rather the meaning of what it brings – power, freedom, independence and security. When you understand what is important to the other person, you may be able to see and understand more about where they are coming from, and if you still disagree, at least you can agree to disagree in an amicable and respectful way.
Read Part 1: LIFE ADVICE TO KEEP AND SOME TO FORGET – PART 1
