Text by Corina Tan
Getty Images
The holiday season all around the world brings people together. Friends gather a little more often and family fly in from all over the world to be together. Not all family members are close or get along. And this can lead to somewhat awkward encounters during reunions and get-togethers. How do we all survive sibling rivalry? The holidays turn into a dreaded time that people do not look forward to, and some may end up choosing not to participate rather than face the uncomfortable feelings of meeting each other. Why are relationships estranged and what causes them to become that way?
When Sibling Rivalry Turns Awkward
People drift apart and relationships cool off for a myriad of reasons, but a popular one is sibling estrangement. They are surprisingly common, most times unspoken and occurs extremely often. Many times, childhood dynamics metastasises into toxic resentment that goes well into adulthood. Memories of meals that were often met with snide and insulting remarks from one sibling to another remains. When the nastiness continues over time, the resentment festers and never really goes away. Things happen and somehow people never forgive each other, then they end up not speaking for 10, 20 or 30 years.
To some, siblings fight all the time, and this is normal in childhood behaviour that kids just get over. For example, they get angry when their toy is stolen, property borrowed without permission, or when another sibling crosses an invisible made-up boundary of theirs which is important to them at the time. “The ability to fight with your sibling and resolve those conflicts can be an important developmental achievement,” says University of Illinois psychologist Laurie Kramer. Siblings who never learn to resolve these conflicts are at most risk for adult estrangement from their families. This is because there is no incentive to maintain these relationships, so they simply stay away or cut them off.
Getty Images
Sibling Rivalry is More Common Than You Expect
Some personalities are just extremely hostile by nature, and some are known as grievance collectors. They keep track or take note of all incidents and behaviours that hurt them over the years, then bring it up when confronted. This makes it very difficult to forgive, forget and move on. Others are consumed by rivalry, whether this is superficially motivated or based on academic performance, attention or fame, the constant battle to see whom people like and admire best is always on. Worse still when that rivalry also occurs at home to see who can win the biggest prize – parental love, care and adoration.
Two-thirds to three-quarters of mothers have a favourite child. When favouritism is obvious or is interpreted as such, siblings are more likely to become estranged. Many adults shrug off perceived favouritism, while others let it fester. The difference is how the siblings feel about their adult lives. Those with successful careers and fulfilling lives are less likely to fixate on the past and even enjoy overcoming their “underdog” reputation.
So what do we do in situations of estrangement?
Do we continue the break up, or do we try to make up? Completely cutting off a sibling regardless of how much it may be deserved may have serious ramifications such as deep regret later on in life. Our siblings are the only people who truly know what it was like growing up in the same house, under the care of the same parents. We have a good 30-50 years with our parents, but we have 50-80 with our siblings. Not talking or keeping in touch with them seem tragic.
Sometimes it takes a life and death situation, or a deadly disease like cancer to finally get people to reconcile. Most times, an apology is all it takes to get together again and start afresh. Reconciliation is surely worth considering, and in some deep way, siblings are still pulled to one another through a mutual bond. The shared experiences and memories of family and parents that only siblings can truly understand. That in itself is something very powerful that can be used to eventually bring people together.
For more stories, click here.
